Why?
by RBnC
Summary: The day before Arthur's wedding Merlin has a few confessions he has to get off his chest.


Why

"Is this what you want?" Merlin takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

It's the night before Arthur and Gwen's wedding and Merlin is in Arthur's bed chambers. It wouldn't be the first time he's been in there and it won't be last. Or it might. The man servant had decided that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't tell the blond. He knows it's selfish – and he can't bring himself to care that he could be ruining two people's lives – but it's eating away at him. He can't stand being around Arthur anymore; the feelings being too much for him.

"Of course it is, why would you ask?"

"I just want to make sure." Merlin looks down, away.

"What else could I want?"

Merlin has trouble not breaking down right there. His chest constricts and his heart thunders against its cage. His palms are sweaty and his throat is dry. The tears are welling up in his eyes. Merlin knows if he doesn't answer, Arthur will just get angrier at him.

He can _see_ when Arthurs' patience withers away. His shoulders square and he stands straighter, as if ordering Merlin to say it will make him. Merlin wants to take this secret to his grave. He'd rather reveal his magic to everyone in Camelot. He'd rather reveal his magic to Uther in full power. But he knows he can't get this one off his chest without the other.

"Why do you even care?" Merlin flinches, because he knows this Arthur.

This is King Arthur – formerly Prince Arthur – the Arthur who acts like he's too good for everyone. The Arthur who acts like Merlin is below him and not his friend. This is Arthur being defensive. This is Arthur who is trying not to get hurt emotionally. His gut sinks as his mouth opens, and he blurts out the words he really doesn't want to tell but has to get off his chest.

"Because I love you!" He swallows through the tightness in his throat and curls his hands into fist, his knuckles turning white.

Arthur freezes before pulling away a step. One shoulder pulls farther than the other, and his head is bent down. Merlin has never seen Arthur like this, but he can recognize the emotions flashing across the blonds face; hurt, fear, caution.

"Love me? You _love_ me?" Arthur looks like he's in disbelief.

"Yes, I do!" He doesn't know how he gets it out; his voice cracks and his tears are threatening to spill over.

He can see the confusion morph into rage and he closes his eyes and hangs his head. Arthurs voice booms around the room.

"You tell me this now? Tonight – of all nights – you decide to tell me now. Not three years ago? Not five years ago? How long have you known?!" The blond demands.

Merlin thinks he might puke, "A couple of weeks after I met you." His voice is choked and thick with emotion, but his words seem to make Arthur angrier.

"FIVE YEARS?! YOU KNEW FOR FIVE YEARS?!"

"I couldn't tell you!" Merlin chokes out.

"Why couldn't you tell me, Merlin? Because you were afraid of my reaction? Well this is the worst time you could have picked to tell me. I'm getting married to GWEN!" Merlin flinches at the reminder, "Did you give ANY thought to her when you decided to tell me this? Did you?"

Merlin is beyond talking now, so he just nods his head.

"You did? Well, some friend you are!" Arthur shouts smacking a pitcher of water to the floor and Merlin jumps, "Did you just not care? Did you think it'd be a good idea to ruin our wedding?"

Merlin opens his mouth to answer when Arthur knocks over a table. He knows he'll be punished if he leaves while Arthur is like this and he knows – hopes – Arthur won't hurt him in his rage. The king's face is contorted into a mask of rage the likes of which Merlin has never seen. He hopes Arthur will remember that they are indeed friends; or at least Arthur is and always shall be Merlin's.

"You couldn't have – have told me sooner? Why were you so afraid?" Arthur turns to him.

"Because of this! This is what I was afraid of, Arthur! You being mad, you hating me! I'm leaving Camelot tomorrow either way, I -"

"What?" Arthur snaps.

"You're knocking things around, Arthur! You-"

"Not that! You're leaving Camelot?"

"Of course. I couldn't stand seeing you with Gwen when there was nothing going on, I couldn't take it if she were your Queen." Merlin covers his face in his hands and takes a deep breath, trying to dry away his stray tears.

He tenses up when Arthur makes his way over to him. His hands are still covering his face, just below his eyes, and he's still crying when Arthur takes Merlin's hands in his own.

"That's why you're able to tell me? Because you think it won't matter?"

"I know it won't, Arthur." Merlin mutters, confused, and refuses to look at the King.

"You clod-head." Arthur whispers, but there's no heat in his words.

That gets Merlin to look up, and he looks at his king in wonder as he sees affection in those stormy blue eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Arthur is crying with him, silent but no less painful.

Merlin opens his mouth to try and get the words out, but he looks like a fish out of water. His airways close up further when Arthur rests his forehead against Merlin's. Merlin's eyes flicker around, trying to look at anything and everything but Arthur.

"Merlin." The blonds voice is low and hurt, "Merlin why didn't you tell me?"

He looks into his Kings eyes and sees all the pain and confusion Arthur is feeling. His heart clenches, wishing violently that he could take it all away. That he could sooth his other half's pain. And then he remembers that he will. His bag – with all of his possessions – is outside the door and no one in all of Camelot will recognize him as he leaves the city. He'd already visited everyone else and saw as they glanced right past him. He thinks seeing Arthur not recognizing his will hurt the worst out of them all.

Tears are streaming down his face as he whispers the words to clean up the mess Arthur made, as he usually does. He feels the sensation run through him and he knows – Gaius told him once – that his eyes will reveal everything to his King. He knows Arthur's made the connection when the blonds arms drop and he steps away, confusion and fear flashing across his face.

"I – I couldn't tell you one without the other, Arthur. I'm sorry." He shakes his head and backs up towards Arthur doors, "I'm really sorry, Arthur."

Arthur looks at him – betrayed and confused – and Merlin can barely make him out through the blur of his tears.

"I'm so sorry."

He's full blown sobbing as he whispers the now familiar spell he hates so much and looks away before Arthur looks at him like he's a stranger. Before Arthur comes to his senses, Merlin turns and darts out the Kings door, stooping to grab his bag as he races out of Camelot castle.

Tears streak down his face as he races through the castle, ignoring the confused faces that don't recognize him. He doesn't stop until he's well beyond the wall and into the forest. The rest of his provisions are waiting for him on his horse – a recent gift from Gaius – Susan.

He rests his head against Susan's neck and takes his last look at Camelot.


End file.
